Sunlit morning office with kettlebell and last night's tea mug. The sun did eventually come out yesterday, and this morning is bright and beautiful at one degree below freezing, currently. The laundry I hung out yesterday afternoon will be dry by lunchtime --- so I prophesy, anyway. The high today is almost 50F, which should be pleasant.
I have various things to do for my trip to New Hampshire in a couple of weeks: order books to be sent, organize the two fiction masterclasses I'm teaching, work out schedule details, especially as regards friends from the Boston area who want to get together. AND I need to make a stab at this book chapter I'm supposed to contribute by the end of March, on the vocation of the Christian writer --- as well as essays for next week's Substack. So, potentially a busy day.
I'm glad I knocked out a number of household chores yesterday, which puts me ahead in many ways for the tasks of the week. I do still have to take the laundry off the line and fold it, but it's not that much and will be relatively easy, especially since I cleaned and organized the upstairs linen closet before Christmas. It really helps to know exactly where I'm going to put a set of full sheets. I keep sheets in my bedroom dresser for our bed (2 sets) plus the daybed when it's made out into a king-sized bed (1 set, which could potentially also go on our queen-sized bed, if need be). That's all that drawer has room for, which is perfect. If I need a change of twin sheets for the daybed as it is ---
---- they're in the upstairs closet, and again, I know exactly where. I will need to change out the current sheet soon, as it bears the imprint of muddy snow-day paws, and will start to smell a little too distinctively of dog if I let it go too long. I'd like to have two jersey fitted sheets, which would fit more tightly than this woven one does, to use as slipcovers, but that's not an urgent need or desire. I like the color and print of this sheet a lot, even though it does get rumpled and untidy. BUT the weave is sturdy and stands up to the dog's paws, so no complaints, really. I do always keep a waterproof sheet under that top sheet, so the mattresses below are protected, beyond their own waterproof protective pads.
All in all, nearly a month on, I am VERY happy with this Ikea daybed as a rare furniture purchase (also my Ikea chair, which I'm sitting in happily at this moment in the sun). I'd like, eventually, to have another one for the Viking's room upstairs. We gave him a queen-sized futon for his birthday (at his request) some years ago, when he was still in high school, but the frame we bought to go with it has never been very good. This year, when the Fire Son was coming home, I tried laying the frame flat so that he could sleep on the whole mattress as a queen-sized bed, but it was stuck, and I couldn't budge it (fortunately the Fire Son is not that picky, and the futon is pretty comfortable to sleep on as a couch). I think that mattress would work with a frame like this one . . . it's worth thinking about, anyway. If he moves out and wants to take furniture, I might propose buying him one of these daybeds and having him just take the futon mattress. OR if he wants to leave it here, I might replace the frame anyway, and just clean up that room for better guest space. Currently I wouldn't put any guest in there, and don't know when I'll have a chance to tackle it --- good thing we do have other rooms and beds.
We have painters coming later this week, to scrape and paint our 102-year-old metal-shingle roof and to scrape and paint woodwork throughout the house. It'll be disruptive for a day or so, but these guys work fast. I'm looking forward to the refresh. The last time we had any part of the house painted was 2011, so really the whole thing is due for some fresh paint. The Artgirl and I painted this study in 2017, but that's been it. I suppose I could motivate myself to do some painting, but since I've started all this writing work it's hard to envision ever finding the time. Anyway, the woodwork, especially baseboards, is the really urgent thing.
I've been doing my progressive hair-trim thing for the last couple of days --- it always takes me a while to get the ends as even as I'd like (and even so, it ain't perfect, but I hope nobody is really looking). The old layers are almost gone, and my ends feel very soft, so that's a win.
Wearing today:
*Secondhand Not Perfect Linen Leila dress (M/L) in Chocolate Brown, bought December 2023, last worn sometime in the week between Christmas and New Year's. First wear in 2025
*Secondhand Chico's linen button shirt, bought January or February 2023, heading into a third year of wear (I think I should count all-season pieces in terms of years, while specifically winter things: boots, cardigans, coats, etc, are counted in seasons, because they rest half the year when it's too hot to wear them). Redyed by me in late summer 2023.
*Snag merino tights in Sand Dollar, bought summer 2024, first season of wear.
*Secondhand Keens Baby Bern Boots, bought December 2024, first season of wear.
I didn't think I really felt like linen, but turns out I was ready for a change after all. The day promises to be warm enough that I don't really need a lot of heavy layers, so I'm giving most of my wool a rest and layering linen instead. Under a coat, which I'd be wearing in any case, I should be plenty warm.
And these colors! Here's me, thinking I didn't wear brown. And really, I don't wear rusty, orangey, autumnal browns, because they clash with my pink-toned skin, but this soft, wintry-woods, ashy brown: YES. I really love it with my soft "Evening Blue" linen shirt." This I guess is "Postulant Chic" yet again (maybe I should make that a label), but I am here for it.
So this is sort of what I had on my outfit plan, regarding this dress, but also sort of not. The main idea in putting this dress on the list for this week was --- wait for it --- to wear the dress. That I'm also wearing this shirt I hadn't worn in a while is a bonus. It's good to note the outfit, because I will want to wear it as the year lengthens out into spring and summer. It'll be as nice with sandals, when that time comes, as it is now with these boots (which again I love and am so glad to have).
As you can see from these photos, I definitely have better and worse angles --- and my body is not as trim as it might appear from some angles. This is a primer in posing, or at least in experimenting with poses to see how you like an image of yourself. The thing to remember is that in real life, your body is in motion, not frozen in some unflattering pose, and people are not looking at you as you would look at yourself in a badly posed photograph.
A large part of self-acceptance, especially as regards your physical appearance, is in realizing this precise thing. You can learn to manage how you appear in photos, where yes, in fact, you are frozen in a particular posture that is more or less a good image of you. But in real life you bring your whole self to the game, living, breathing, talking, moving --- people do not perceive you, in your actual presence, as a series of photographs. That's important to remember when you don't like a picture of yourself. No, people don't see that funky expression you have on your face as YourFaceTM. No, they don't see that weird angle as the way your body looks.
The weird angle is useful to you in that you can then make a note to find a different way to stand when you're having your picture taken --- and again, if you struggle with self-confidence and especially with having your picture taken, it's good to experiment in a safe space, like in your locked bathroom in front of your full-length mirror (and those ARE good to have, even if you dislike looking at yourself, because how else are you going to see your whole outfit?). Nobody ever has to see those photos but you. Your private room with a mirror is a good rehearsal space for self-presentation, and you can learn a lot there, chiefly how not to hate yourself. To love anyone, you kind of have to deal with them. You have to see them in many situations and lights. You have to see them when they're vulnerable. You have to see them when they both are and are not their best. This goes for loving yourself, too. You don't learn to love yourself by avoiding yourself.
Never looking at somebody is not a sign of love. If you are going to undertake to love a person --- and sometimes we do deliberately have to undertake to love somebody we find difficult, because not loving them is not an option for the Christian --- you have to look at them, at least in your mind. You don't have to feel all gummy in your tummy about them, and in some cases you don't have to be in contact with them (an abusive parent, an ex-spouse, etc), but unlove is simply not an option. You do not get to choose not to regard someone with charity. Even if you don't have contact with a person, if you're aware of them you have to see them in your mind --- and you might have to teach yourself not to see them with hatred. But the world is full of people you have contact with every day in some way or other, and in so many instances you have to will yourself to love the other person, to want their good, to see them with compassion (even as perhaps you draw boundaries to keep the relationship in its proper proportions).
To love the other person, to want their good, requires that you look at them, see them, pay attention to who they are, inside and out. At choir last night I was irritated beyond measure with someone there --- but looking at that person's thinning hair and aging face, I thought, Yeah, it's just hard. Life is just hard, and the tools you have for dealing with its little hardships are not great, and you are vulnerable. And in thinking this --- in making myself look at this person --- I could summon some tenderness and compassion, even as I wanted to throw a book in their general direction.
So . . . I think we should do this with ourselves, too. In truth, nobody irritates me as much as I irritate myself. There is nobody with whom I have less patience, nobody whose faults I dwell on so obsessively, but me, myself. I could try to run away from myself, but how well is that ever going to work? Instead, I have to look at myself. And I have to will myself to look with the eyes of charity. Yeah, okay, I don't look like my own physical ideal. Yeah, okay, I could have taken better care of my skin all those years. Yeah, okay, I could be a whole different person, but I'm not. So how would someone else look at me? Would a charitable other person be totting up my shortcomings in her mind? No. An uncharitable person might, but why would I want to be like that? I want to be a charitable person. So I practice charity on myself --- which requires me to look at myself and train the eye of charity on my whole being, physical and otherwise. No, I'm not perfect, but who is, short of Our Lord and His Blessed Mother, neither of whom I happen to be?
So I can look at myself and see "growth areas," as they say, and that's not bad as far as it goes. It's actually useful and good to acknowledge where I need to grow and improve. But I can also will myself to say, "Actually, you're fine." That really needs to be where the self-evaluation ends. I mean, yes, I examine my conscience and obviously find things to talk to my confessor about. But in the great scheme of things, assuming I'm not in a state of mortal sin needing addressing and amending right away, I can honestly say: God holds me in his hands, and although I'm not perfect, and I need to do better in many ways, ultimately I am fine. I don't need to beat myself up. I don't add an iota to my worth by doing so. I can say, simultaneously, Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, have mercy on me, a sinner, and You know, I have pretty eyes and my dress looks nice. Those are not mutually exclusive truths.
And obviously practicing on myself means that I'm in better shape for extending grace to other people, which again I am absolutely enjoined upon to do: to assume the best of their motives, to acknowledge their goodness as bearers of the Divine Image, to love them as my fellow human beings, vulnerable and full of foibles as we are. Nothing in ordinary life matters more than the cultivation of this habit.
And now that I've given myself this spiritual pep talk, I guess it's time to extend some charity to the dog and take her for a little walk in the sunshine.
AFTERNOON UPDATE:
I have
*taken a reasonably substantial walk with the dog (still avoiding ice on the roads and sidewalks, as well as the usual other people and dogs)
*written more than half of my Monday essay on Hopkins's "As Kingfishers Catch Fire" and his theory of "Inscape." Reading a heady but interesting essay on Hopkins, inscape, and Duns Scotus as part of the process.
*written another sonnet in what seems to be becoming a sonnet crown.
*brought in laundry from the line and put it away, as well as hand-washing and hanging some small clothing items.
*made my bed
*ate a combination of leftovers for lunch: some cauliflower rice with egg and goat cheese that I'd made the other night, mixed with chicken bacon, and peas from the Artgirl's dinner in a pasta restaurant in Greensboro last week. Needed to do something with that before it went bad, and with a little splash of cream to tie it all together, it made a delicious lunch:
Really, if you're watching calories at all, or just interested in having your food deliver the greatest nutritional bang for whatever the buck is, substituting cauli rice for pasta in many dishes is a good move. I mean, it's great with heavy cream, which is not exactly non-caloric, but you don't need much of that (truly, like a tablespoon will do for something like the meal pictured above), and meanwhile you're getting all the goodness of a cruciferous vegetable in your meal.
Bagged frozen cauliflower rice is one of my grocery staples, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. Yes, it's a convenience food. Yes, yes, I could food-process a head of cauliflower myself. OR I could leave the head of cauliflower to rot in the produce drawer because I've forgotten about it . . . while things in the freezer last and last and don't go bad, and are right there when you want them. Vilifying convenience foods is one of the weirdest developments of our era, and further evidence of our generalized cultural amnesia. Maybe nobody now knows anybody who worked herself to the bone day after day to feed her family. If they did, they'd be less inclined to romanticize that labor. Home labor is devalued enough as it is --- you don't have to go out of your way to make it harder, too. How thankless do you really want your life to be, and why? Also, convenient doesn't have to be synonymous with overprocessed or less nutritious. Frozen vegetables, at any rate, are the twentieth century's gift to mankind, let me tell you.
Yes, yes, I also like fresh vegetables. I like to grow fresh vegetables, right outside my back door, in my very own garden, and pick them and cook with them. I am not running down any of that. What I am running down is a certain elitist (and maybe ableist) disdain for anything that comes in a package and makes the task of cooking easier for someone else. Also, there's no way I could grow, in my small-town-downtown backyard garden, enough cauliflower to supply all my riced-cauliflower needs through the year. Might as well make it as easy on myself as possible, so that I have some energy to expend on, I don't know, writing screeds like this, maybe, for no real reason except that these thoughts decided to strike out across my frontal cortex in search of something.
Anyway, that's what I ate for lunch. Now I need to read another act of Richard III, and then it'll probably be time to take the dog out again.
EVENING UPDATE:
Yesterday I noted that I was pre-cooking dried lima beans to make this dish for tonight's dinner. Here's an update:
*Before bed last night I turned off the crockpot and just let the beans soak overnight. Then this morning I added fresh water and turned it back on, on high, so that they cooked all day today as well.
*I followed the recipe but made the following additions, some obviously not vegan:
cauliflower rice (because what is not made better by cauliflower rice?)
a little frozen chopped spinach, like maybe half a small bag
a couple of dried cayenne peppers, snipped up into tiny bits
*feta cheese (no, I don't know how much --- maybe half a block, or a little more than that?)
NOTE: When I say I followed the recipe, I mean that I included the things it called for. I don't even know what amounts it's talking about. I cooked a whole small bag of lima beans (which made enough to fill my whole small crockpot to the brim), then went from there, using things that seemed in proportion to the amount of lima beans. The whole thing filled a 9x13 baking dish. I put in the cooked beans first, to see how full the dish would be of just beans, then added everything else around that amount, so that it did not overflow, but was a reasonable-sized 9x13 casserole. Yes, yes, I know that is not precise. But it is how I do things. I eyeball.
So I stirred in all those things, as well as what the recipe called for, poured the whole concoction into a baking dish, and baked for roughly an hour, or until the husband came home. Not sure which came first, the hour or the homecoming. Anyway, I baked it until it was thoroughly hot and the cheese was kind of melty.
And reader, it was DELICIOUS. Where have dried lima beans been all my life? I grew up eating canned "butter beans," and I liked and still like them, but having cooked and eaten many, many, MANY bean varieties in the course of my married life, I'm not sure I've really thought about lima beans until now. And now I am going to think about them. These were so creamy and wonderful and paired perfectly with the flavors in this recipe.
I really thought the husband would feel meh about a bean dinner, but he raved over it and ate three helpings and is delighted to take some more for his lunch tomorrow. With all those additions it did make a lot for two people, but I imagine that it would freeze all right if you had more than you could eat. I've packed him enough that he might still be eating it on Thursday, and kept back a generous serving for my own lunch.
So that was a win. I am trying to cook with a lot of pantry staples this month, and to minimize my grocery shopping, so I have been googling recipes for various beans, because I do have a lot of dried beans. Stay tuned for more.